7 Steps to Gaining Understanding and Respect Through Better Listening

Listening is often harder than we think. It's not just about hearing words, but also understanding what's behind them. As a therapist and trained musician, I’ve learned that truly listening requires a level of attention and patience that doesn't always come naturally. Whether in a session or everyday conversation, slowing down and listening more deeply can create powerful connections. Over the years, I’ve found that sitting through long, uncomfortable silences—sometimes 5 to 10 seconds—allows a person to process more deeply and often leads to insights they might not have shared otherwise.

This wasn't easy for me at first. I remember an experience that shaped my approach to listening. I was visiting Death Valley’s Salt Flats, where the silence is so profound it almost feels unnatural—no wind, no birds, no sound at all. It was a moment of pure stillness that highlighted the clarity that can come from truly slowing down. It’s in this silence that I learned to hear not just what’s being said but also what’s left unsaid, and the shifts in body language and tone that often communicate even more than words.

Here are seven key steps to becoming a better listener, drawn from my experiences both in therapy and in life.

1. Understand What’s Being Said

It might seem obvious, but the first step in listening well is truly comprehending what’s said. People don’t always communicate clearly. Sometimes their words are tangled, or they struggle to express themselves. A good listener knows when to focus intensely and when they can afford to listen more passively. If something isn’t clear, don’t hesitate to ask for clarification. Rather than feeling judged, most people appreciate the effort to really understand their message.

2. Hear What’s Not Being Said

People often reveal more through what they don’t say than through their words. For example, someone might talk extensively about work but never mention their personal life. This can be a signal that there’s something they’re not comfortable sharing or that they’re avoiding certain topics. Good listeners tune in to these absences and gently explore them when the time is right.

3. Notice Changes in Tone and Body Language

In therapy and everyday conversations, paying attention to how someone speaks is crucial. It’s not just about what they say but how they say it. Changes in vocal tone, posture, or facial expressions can reveal shifts in emotion or attitude. For instance, when someone’s tone suddenly becomes higher or their body stiffens, it might indicate they’re feeling defensive or anxious. As a musician, I was trained to hear subtle changes in tone and pitch, which has helped me in listening deeply to people’s inflections and recognizing when something is emotionally charged.

4. Decide Thoughtfully When to Speak

Sometimes the best way to listen is to remain silent. Adding input might feel tempting, especially if you’re eager to share your thoughts, but often, silence is more productive. It’s essential to decide whether your input will enhance the conversation or whether the speaker simply needs space to talk. A thoughtful pause before responding can show respect for what the other person has shared.

5. Resist the Urge to Plan Your Response

It’s natural to think ahead about what you’re going to say next, but that can interfere with truly listening. The more we focus on crafting our response, the less we’re tuned into what the other person is saying. Good listeners learn to let go of this urge and remain present in the moment. If necessary, you can take a few seconds after they’ve finished speaking to gather your thoughts.

6. Take Time to Reflect Before Responding

When someone finishes speaking, don’t rush to fill the silence. Pause. Think. Even saying something as simple as, “Let me think about that for a moment,” shows that you value their words. This approach not only gives you time to form a more thoughtful response, but it also signals that you’re engaged and taking the conversation seriously.

7. Know When (and When Not) to Interrupt

Interrupting can undermine the conversation, making the speaker feel invalidated. It’s generally best to allow the person to finish their thoughts. In many cases, people reveal more when given space, and interrupting can cut off that process. However, there are exceptions. With someone who tends to go off on tangents or if time is limited, gentle interruption can be necessary to keep the conversation on track. The key is doing so in a way that feels respectful and considerate.

Final Thoughts

Good listening is more challenging than it appears. It requires patience, attention, and often, the willingness to sit with discomfort. But when done well, it can deepen our understanding of others and foster respect. Reflect on your own listening habits—what could you improve? Whether it's embracing silence, listening for what’s unsaid, or tuning into body language, there’s always room to grow as a listener.